Life is Vapid (I am an existentialist not a nihilist)

Somebody at work commented on my "lack of lackluster." After a moments pause I told her about how I was struggling to stay "alive," that my life was vapid.

"Oh you would just love this guy at the Empyrean..." she says. Something about this immediately struck me as inaccurate. When I reflected I came to this understanding: I do not want somebody to agree with me. I do not need anybody to sympathize with my feelings. I am not a nihilist, I do not need company for my misery. All I want is for somebody to make this vapidness no longer true.

Like I have said, I am not a nihilist, I believe meaning is based on perception. The lack of substance in my life is not relative, it is objective. I am not despairing because: "oh woe is me, for I have no purpose." I despair because my life lacks the things I desire.

I desire brilliant conversation with brilliant souls. I desire intimacy and love. i desire midnight walks fogged by pipe tobacco. I desire brilliant books, fulfilling work and more than decent schooling. I desire enough energy and vitality in my life that I can go to sleep without anxiety and get out of bed without needing to coerce myself and get ready with anticipation and attend class with interest and sit down for homework that tires my brain more than my soul. If I could die from lack of substance, you would have attended my funeral quite some time ago. Thank god such a death is not immanent. I pray that (oh yes it has come to prayer), life comes to my rescue soon, for I do not know how to alleviate this problem.